Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Margaritas..... It's always the answer

Important Women's Health Issue:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: - Dizziness - Nausea - Vomiting - Incarceration - Erotic lustfulness - Loss of motor control - Loss of clothing - Loss of money - Loss of virginity - Table dancing - Headache - Dehydration - Dry mouth - And a desire to sing Karaoke. WARNINGS: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My morning radio show and the controversy

I have listened to Rob, Arnie and Dawn in the mornings for a long time. I don't always agree with some of the things that they say, but usually I just yell at the radio when that happens. Most of the time it is over Arnie being a fat tool and sticking his big foot in it.
Dawn is my favorite even though she is obnoxious at times. It takes special talent to deal with Rob and Arnie day in and day out.
We could be twins as far as our laughs go. I have never heard someone laugh as much as I do. Well now I have. Thank you Dawn! She laughs constantly and especially at her self. A girl after my own heart.
So yesterday while going to work it was announced that there would be no Rob, Arnie and Dawn show. WTF? We were directed to their website.
Here is the link and the video.
Like I said Arnie can be a real tool. I didn't hear this certain broadcast, but if I had I would have been yelling at the radio.
I have never worried that Cameron likes to wear dresses, or a tutu with his swim trunks to daycare. He also likes to wear his sisters pink wedgie shoes, and flip flops. I am not concerned that this will make him gay.Even if I was straight it wouldn't be a concern. I paint his toenails black or silver when he asks me too. He's around the two biggest diva's all day long what do you expect?
A lot of the sponsors and advertisers are pulling out over Arnie and his big mouth. I'll let you read the post and form your own opinion. But I think he really put his foot in it, maybe for the last time. Because even though I like him.... He is a big fat tool.
"You really put your foot into it this time Chizom, you HOTDOG!" That's from the movie Grease. Also if you go on youtube there are tons of videos of Rob, Arnie, and Dawn.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Things I never had to do when I was married

Check the oil and water in a car.

Check the air in the tires and then put air in them.

Move heavy furniture.

Put together a bed alone.

Adjust the training wheels on a bike.

Take the training wheels off of a bike.

Pack sandwiches and an ice chest for a day at the lake. (I was never allowed to do it)

Load the car with an ice chest, four kids, and beach shit for a day at the lake.

Purchase a bicycle.

Hook up a v.c.r or d.v.d player.

Purchase car insurance.

Unclog and repair a vacuum

Repair barbie dolls and reattach their heads.

Start a B.B.Q.

Hang curtains

Hang pictures (I so hate doing them)

Remember the difference between a Phillips and a flat head screw driver.(So not interested).

Use tools out of the tool box.

Put together toys with various little parts.

Wrap presents. (Danny liked doing it OK, and I so didn't).

Cook/fry any type of meat.

Crack and prepare crab legs/whole crabs. (see above)

Die Easter eggs (hate it)

Apply sunscreen to various gaggle of children. (Danny is anal about this)

Drive to a party, B.B.Q. or celebration where alcohol is being served.

Light a pilot light.

Dumpster dive for treasures.

Recycle and take cans to the recycling center.

Things I have learned to do since I have become single.

Check the water and oil in a car. (OK, I had some help).

Move heavy furniture

Put together a bed alone. (I am whiz with a hammer)

Adjust the training wheels on a bike.

Take the training wheels off of a bike in frustration because you did a shitty adjusting job and were sick of dealing with it.(Encouraging/forcing your five year old daughter to learn to ride her bike without them)

Pack sandwiches and an ice chest for a day at the lake.

Load the car with an ice chest, four kids, and beach shit for a day at the lake.

Purchase car insurance.

Purchase a bicycle, and carry the box out trying to manipulate it into my trunk.

Hook up a d.v.d player. (I still cant get the v.c.r to work, Dyllan has to change the cords every time he is here)

Unclog and repair a vacuum.

Repair barbie dolls and reattach their heads.

Watch my friend Amy (Mr man hands) start a B.B.Q.

Hang curtains with the help of my neighbor and my mom.

Hang pictures.

Remember the difference between a Phillips and a flat head screw driver.

Use tools out of the tool box that Danny gave me.

Put together toys with various little parts.

Wrap presents. (I still don't like it, but if you wrap to music, it's not so bad).

Cook/fry any type of meat.

Crack and prepare crab legs/whole crabs. They were good too.

Make sure Danny has the kids the Eve before Easter so he can die the eggs with them. (Still Hate it).

Apply sunscreen to various gaggle of children especially Cameron.

Walk to Chevy's or the Glass turtle where alcohol is being served avoiding a D.U.I.

Ask Nickolai the maintenance man to come and light the pilot light.

Dumpster dive for treasures after your neighbor informs you that their roommate had died and they were throwing out all of her shit.

Recycle and take cans to recycling center.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Seen and heard two

Me..... "You can tell a lot about a woman by the type of underwear she wears".
My friend Ellen... "Man I have the holiest underwear on right now, they are just crap".
Me.. "Why? Why would you wear crap underwear? Don't you care"?
Ellen.... "Dude I'm in total disarray, I wouldn't even date me right now".
Me.... "You so need to fix yourself up, and why you're at it, why not paint those toe nails".
Ellen.... "I don't think I can reach them".
Lexie...... "Mama, what did you do tomorrow when I was at Daddies"?
My friend Amy.... "It's too bad that I'm not gay, because our kids get along so well. Men just don't get it".
Dyllan..... as we're listening to Katy perry..... "I kissed a girl and I liked it".
Me..... "Well I kissed a girl and I liked it a lot".
Dyllan.... "But mom, that's not what good girls do".
Me.... "Who ever said I was a good girl"?
I still can't believe some of the borderline inappropriate conversations that the two of us have.
Lynn.... "Pick yourself up, and dust your ass off Denise. Don't let that bitch intimidate you".
Me..... "Oh fuck off she does not intimidate me".
The exe's girlfriend while at a school meeting for Dyllan...... (Why she was there is beyond me). "Hi my name is Lisa, and you are"?
Lexie....... "Mama.... Daddy had to make a special trip home for Cameron's sun stuff".
Me..... "You mean sunblock"?
Lexie..... "Yeah that. He is the only white one we have. I am brown because I am older".
My friend Audra.... "Denise, your details seem a little sketchy. I don't think you're getting all the right information here. Please have Linda email me with whatever else you left out, I need to get the facts straight".
Me... Fine, but don't ask me to recall details about stuff when I was inebriated at the time".
Me.... "Linda, Audra said I'm sketchy, and she needs you to be more specific".
Linda.... "It sounds like you got most of the info right, I'll send her a picture".
Some random girl at the pool...... "Your son just pooped right here".
Me.... "Cameron, why did you poop? You need to poop on the potty".
Cameron..... "No my not".
Me.... "Holy shit Dyllan! Escort your brother out of here, while I clean this up. How embarrassing, we are so out of here".
Because that's what everyone wants to look at while they're kicking it poolside. A big ole tootsie roll turd.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Karma..... It is my religion

As much as having a standing membership at my church. The church of the ocean that is. I pull up a pew made of sand, kick my flip flops off and give thanks.
I thank whoever is in charge for my children, my friends. Oh, and for not having me run over by a car while on the phone with one of my friends. (Linda and I always joke about that).
Last year on my other blog I posted this. Go ahead and reminisce. I'll wait.
I've said it before. I am a huge believer in Karma. I live by it. I believe all of those sayings "Do unto others, Karma is everything, what goes around" etc. I Keep quotes that I like and always look for cool, inspirational fridge magnets.
Last year was a fucked up year. No doubt. But I made it through. This couldn't have been accomplished without the support of my friends and a couple of relatives.
This doesn't mean that I am comfortable excepting things from people. It doesn't matter if you are a member of my posse or not. It still makes my eye twitch.
This year I'm making progress. Slowly coming along. Recently I was given the opportunity to pay it forward.
FINALLY! Something I so firmly believe in.
As I mentioned before, I received my tax return.
Most of the money is stashed away for a car, fun trips, and toilet paper.
I was however able to spread some of my good fortune around and give back to some of the people who have been so good to me.
Yesterday I took my Aunt to lunch. She always drives me around to do errands or just job hunt. Most of the time she buys me lunch. So it was refreshing to be able to say "my treat". When she goes to the casino and hits it big, she always slips me $100.00 bills.
I also gave my neighbor Mrs. Kravitz fifty dollars. She has been very good to the kids and I. She took me to do my laundry and paid for it. That was one of the times that my mom went postal on me and I disowned her for the fifty billionth time. Not to mention that she has loaned me money on more then one occasion.She may not have tampons for me but she always has tin foil.(Gotta love that).Then there's the matter of giving me a bed. I'll be forever grateful to her for that.
Yesterday a homeless man on a bike asked me for a quarter to buy cigarettes. I told him that I coveted my quarters for laundry, but that I would gladly give him a dollar. He rode off with a smile on his face. That.... made my day.
Next week my friend Laurie is coming to town, and I am treating her to lunch. She took me out two weeks ago and declared it Denise day. She treated me to lunch and a shopping spree. We had a lot of fun even if she does need to learn some wheel chair etiquette. You would think that after all of these years of operating that thing she would be better at it. I have just learned to walk far behind her and pretend that I don't know her when she knocks into shit. So next week when she comes I am declaring it Laurie day!
If I didn't help out the people who have been so good to me, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Trust me that's already a big enough problem as it is.
I might even buy witchy poo (my neighbor) a pack of cigarettes. She goes door to door combing through everyones ash trays. Her long ,wild hair protruding everywhere. She makes me sad. I think that someone should intervene on her behalf, turn her electricity back on, and get her the help that she needs.
Maybe when I get a car I will take her to my church of the ocean, and she can sit on a pew of sand, and gaze out at it's vastness.
Because karma is everything baby!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Seen and heard

Lexie as she is crying.... "I have to wipe the water out of my eyes Mama".
Me to Cameron... "Cameron honey those shoes wont fit you".
Cameron..... "Yes my are".
My friend Amy after not seeing me for months..... "Dude! You are hella skinny. Look at your face".
Some random girl I went out with..... "You are a little too thick for me". Ok then see above bitch!
Lynn.... "Am I stupid Denise?"
Me to Linda.... "I swear my mom keeps buying Lexie yellow clothes, you know I hate yellow".
Linda...... "Your'e not the boss of yellow Denise, just because you don't like it".
Me.... Fuck off! "
Me to Mrs. Kravitz.... "This might be a stupid question cuz your'e old and all but do you have any tampons?"
Mrs Kravitz..... "No dear I sure don't and I don't know anyone around here who bleeds".
Me to Conner.... "So your'e ok that L has moved in?"
Conner..... Big grin on his face. "Yeah it's fine, but Mom! She girled up our bathroom!"
Anne my daycare provider to Cameron..... "Dude you are so not going to the dog groomers with me dressed like that". (He was wearing a shirt, his swim trunks, and Lexie's pink tutu.
Some random dude who happened to be at the Glass Turtle.
"Uh in like a beavis and Butthead voice..... "Hey I wan't some food".
Me.... "Well then you might want to go order some".
Random dude.... "Your'e not the cocktail waitress? Your'e hot enough".
Me after having lunch with the ex's new gf.....
"So who put and ad on Craigslist?"
The gf.... "He did, and I answered. I needed another fuck buddy'. All righty then.
The ex... "L is worried that we might get back together".
It was all I could do not to throw up in my mouth a whole lot.
Me.... "Oh right, cuz that will happen. Hello.... you have a dick and I dont like those".
The ex..... "Well not the real ones anyway". All righty then.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Head knocker

My mom taught the kids a little ditty. Yes I said Ditty. It goes something like this.
Head knocker
Eye Winker
Nose dropper
Mouth eater
Chin Chopper
And.... A gitchy, gitchy, goo.
As you do it you tap on the various parts of the body that you are talking about.
I love to hear Cameron say it because he rushes through it in order to get to the gitchy gitchy goo tickle part.
But when he says it....... It usually goes like this. Eye winker, eye winker, mouth eater, head knocker, and a gitchy gitch goo.
Gotta love that redheaded kid.

Monday, March 30, 2009

The difference between the North and the South.

This is for My girl Lynn

The difference between the North and the South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions .

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.


In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens in the oven,
don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Apartment people.......... ya gotta love em. Or not.

Now that the weather is nicer, the kids and I have been spending a lot more time outside. As soon as I pick them up from daycare Cameron gets his tricycle out and off he goes.It has a little tray on the back, so he is always putting his latest treasures in it. It can be his "race cars", his sippy cup, or rocks, flowers, and toys.
Lexie learned to ride her bike without training wheels two weeks ago and man is she fast on it. I sit out on my patio a.k.a the "terrace". (It sounds a little classier then patio), and I watch them. I read or do my nails, and watch the freak show.
If I go down and sit on the stairs..... That's when the real entertainment starts.
Cast of characters......
Down below and to the left of me lives Mrs. Kravitz a.k.a Susan. She will talk your ear off. She still talks to me when I am heading upstairs and saying "By, gotta go now".
Despite this she is really nice, and loves the kids. I think she is just lonely. She has taken me to do my laundry and gives me food and money to clean her house. Did I mention that she is a hoarder? Well she is.Plus she is a loud, loud, talker. Gives me a headache. Most of the time she will still try to talk to me even when I tell her I am on the phone.
A few doors down from me is "Shelly". Her baby Daddy ran off and left her. She has an 11 month old and one more baby that's due in May. She is so skinny. All you can see is her tiny baby basketball bump.She will run as fast as she can down the stairs. I am afraid that the baby is going to fall out one of these days
.She leaves her trash outside for her baby daddy to come and take it out, but he never shows up. I end up taking it out., and in turn she gives me incense. Seems like a fair trade to me.
Downstairs is Jerry the blind guy. He used to be a lawyer and always orders way to much pizza, He gives his leftovers to the kids.
Upstairs on the end from me is Ricky Bobby and his wife. That's not his real name but it's funnier to say.
He plays irritating Jazz music all day and burns incense. He has so much shit in his apartment. I think he's a hoarder too.He and Mrs. Kravitz would get a long famously.
He paid me 20 bucks to do his disabled wife's nails, but I never did them.Every time I went over there she was either sleeping or didn't want them done.Her loss.
He also drinks beer all day, and for fun he throws his cats over the balcony and into the pool.Yeah he's not so fun when he's drunk.
Finally theres Witchy poo.Or Elvira as some people like to call her.
She is short with long, flowing, purple, black hair. She wears these long moo moo type dresses, and kind of glides when she walks.
She lives right next door to Lisa and Ashley, and is a schizophrenic who's not taking her medication. The girls swear that she sleeps in the bath tub.All she does is chain smoke outside and yell at everyone. Things like kill all the black people, rape Angelina Jolie,repent, repent, repent.Yeah good times.
I held the phone up one night to her window just so Linda could hear her.She is a piece of work.
Her power was turned off three weeks ago, and she's been evicted. I feel kind of bad for her because there should be someone to advocate for her. The cops have been to her door a few times, but there's not much that they can do. She seems harmless, but it's a sad situation.I wonder how she is coping without power for so long, and why no one is helping her.
When I am outside people just chat me up, and I learn all kinds of interesting gossip about things.
Despite all of this, it is a nice complex and I feel much safer then ever before. It's entertaining to say the least.
Wanna come over and have a drink, hang out on my terrace, and watch the freaks roll by with me?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hollywood in 2037

I found these Pics in an old email.

Come on.... You know you feel like a beauty queen now.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Today on Ellen.......

Just kidding if I really could be a guest on Ellen. I would be thrilled.
Instead Tara has asked me some interview questions that she wants me to answer. Because I am oh so popular and all.

Here is the deal........

If you want me to interview you, leave a comment here. I will email you five questions. (I get to pick the questions.) Then you answer them on your blog and link back to me.

Tara asks......

1.If you could go back in time and change any major event that occurred in history, which one would you pick and why.
I can only pick one? Geese. Probably the assassination of JFK. I loved him. He was a great man.

2. What is your ideal Sunday afternoon?
My church of the ocean of course.

3. How many U.S states have you visited can you list them? Which did you like best?
Arizona, Washington, and Oregon. I like Oregon the best. I've had a lot of great times there.

4. If you could go on a date with one famous person who would it be, and what would the two of you do?
Angelina Jolie. Without a doubt, she is sexy as hell , and we would canoodle of course!

5.If there was a movie made of your life, what would the title be, and who would play you?
That's how I roll, cuz I am kick ass.

Haha do you like the title? I love Susan Sarandon so I would have to be played by her.
So there you have it. Thanx Tara!

If you want me to interview you please let me know.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A meme, A meme

Thanks, to my girl Ky for tagging me I love me some meme's.

Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog , replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag - eight other un-tagged people I am tagging the following.... Gee..... Linda, and Lynn have already been tagged soooo. I will tag, Tonya, Merr, Tyffany, Teaberry, Gwendomama, Kris, and I just don't know. The pressure, the pressure.

1) What do you do for a living? liv-ing, -noun, def.the means of maintaining life; livelihood. Well currently I am a mom to four children. I also beat the pavement every day wearing different fashionable shoes, while looking for a job. OK not every day. I don't do it on the weekends.That's not what keeps me alive though. My children and my friends are what keeps me going. I heart all of them passionately.
2) What is your biggest fear? Losing either of my children, or my friends.
3) Do you nap a lot? No! I don't have time.
4) Who is the last person you hugged? Cameron and Lexie this morning, and a couple of wet sloppy kisses too for good measure.
5) What websites do you visit when you go online? Yahoo,Blogs.
6) What was the last item you bought? Soda.
7) You are on the Oregon Trail, how are things going? Am I on a horse? A 4-wheeler? In a car? That depends on who's with me, who's driving and if we have booze.
8) If you woke up tomorrow and were a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? Whack off of course,to see what all the fuss is about.
9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Yes, when I was 11 my hair was down to my ass, and I had it cut like Kristy Mc nichols. I loved her. Too bad it didn't look nearly as luscious as hers. (The hairdresser was drunk, and even bought me a wine cooler). I was 11 People!
10) What is your most embarrassing moment? Wow is that a loaded question? This one time at band camp......I was with my BFF Audra, we had had to much um OREGANO and I went into the men's restroom instead of the women's. When I came out the whole Roseville high school football team gave me a standing ovation. (I knew I'd be famous someday)
11) What was the last movie you watched? The Family Stone.
12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do? Go to the beach, and stick my toes in the sand and gaze at the wonder that is my church.
13) Do you like scary movies? I so do.
14) What would you want your last meal to be? Lobster for sure for sure.
I didn't change or ad any questions of my own because I am a rebel like that.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Holy shit! What's in there?

So last night after a drink Uh hum, I mean a few I realized that something was definitely wrong with my garbage disposal. The spinney thing, a.k.a the blade, was no longer a spinning. I had put some lemons in there earlier. I like to grind them up because they make it smell better/ a.k.a eliminate odor. (This is according to one of my favorite movies). THE BANGER SISTERS.
So I removed the lemons, and I got a wooden spoon and tried to manually turn the blade. Nothing. So I got down underneath the sink and pushed the reset button. Still nothing. Fucking A I thought. It was late and I was drunk. I really didn't feel like putting my hand in there. God forbid I touched something gross and break a nail. So in true fashion I decided to be like SCARLET O'HARA and "Worry about it tomorrow".
When I woke up I remembered the whole spinney thing debacle.
I decided to Cowboy up and tackle it head on. I put my hand in there and discovered something soft and mushy. ( To quote my B.F.F AUDRA.... Horrifying! I thought at first that it might be a mouse. I WAS VERY, VERY, SCARED. ( In the past, I have had problems with mice and appliances). Let me tell you..... It was not pretty.
So I touched this slimy apparatus, grimacing the whole time. I am imagining a little mice body all mangled, and bloody, wondering if it was too early to call on my dyke neighbor. This would definitely be a job for her.In the end, I talked myself through it.
I pull and I pull, and I can feel it give a little bit. Then I start to think "Holy shit am I pulling on some part of the rubber casing ?". I am so grossed out, I am almost puking. Dry heaves, I tell you, dry heaves. Finally the culprit is revealed. I couldn't believe my eyes! Are you ready for this? Can you guess what it was?

Now to be fair neither Linda or Lynn know this story. Shocking I know. I will say that the person responsible...... His name starts with the letter Cameron. Any takers? Scroll down if you want to know.

Yes It was a sock. A black and white striped sock if you must know. One of Cameron's and one that I had been looking for. Can you believe it? You would have to know Cameron to appreciate this. Never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate a sock! If cameron had been my first child..... He would have been my last. He puts Dyllan to shame.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

No longer private

I decided to leave the past behind me, and create a new non private blog. If I feel for whatever reason that I need to blog privately, then I will do it on my other blog. I have a lot to do here. I know, I know, I need to update my blog roll and my favorite authors shout out. Have patience bitches..... It is a work in progress.