Monday, March 30, 2009

The difference between the North and the South.

This is for My girl Lynn

The difference between the North and the South

The North has Bloomingdale's, the South has Dollar General.

The North has Coffee Houses, the South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services, the South has family reunions .

The North has switchblade knives; the South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names; the South has double first names.

The North has Indy car races; The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has crawfish.

The North has the rust belt; the South has the Bible Belt.


In the South: --If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.... do not buy food at this store.

Remember, "Y'all" is singular, "all y'all" is plural, and 'all y'all's' is plural possessive

Get used to hearing 'You ain't from round here, are ya?'

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later on how to use it.

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern statement to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'," as in big ol' truck or big ol' boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin' " is a valid defense here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children,
don't think we will accept them as Southerners.
After all, jus' 'cause the cat had kittens in the oven,
don't mean we're gonna call 'em biscuits.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Apartment people.......... ya gotta love em. Or not.

Now that the weather is nicer, the kids and I have been spending a lot more time outside. As soon as I pick them up from daycare Cameron gets his tricycle out and off he goes.It has a little tray on the back, so he is always putting his latest treasures in it. It can be his "race cars", his sippy cup, or rocks, flowers, and toys.
Lexie learned to ride her bike without training wheels two weeks ago and man is she fast on it. I sit out on my patio a.k.a the "terrace". (It sounds a little classier then patio), and I watch them. I read or do my nails, and watch the freak show.
If I go down and sit on the stairs..... That's when the real entertainment starts.
Cast of characters......
Down below and to the left of me lives Mrs. Kravitz a.k.a Susan. She will talk your ear off. She still talks to me when I am heading upstairs and saying "By, gotta go now".
Despite this she is really nice, and loves the kids. I think she is just lonely. She has taken me to do my laundry and gives me food and money to clean her house. Did I mention that she is a hoarder? Well she is.Plus she is a loud, loud, talker. Gives me a headache. Most of the time she will still try to talk to me even when I tell her I am on the phone.
A few doors down from me is "Shelly". Her baby Daddy ran off and left her. She has an 11 month old and one more baby that's due in May. She is so skinny. All you can see is her tiny baby basketball bump.She will run as fast as she can down the stairs. I am afraid that the baby is going to fall out one of these days
.She leaves her trash outside for her baby daddy to come and take it out, but he never shows up. I end up taking it out., and in turn she gives me incense. Seems like a fair trade to me.
Downstairs is Jerry the blind guy. He used to be a lawyer and always orders way to much pizza, He gives his leftovers to the kids.
Upstairs on the end from me is Ricky Bobby and his wife. That's not his real name but it's funnier to say.
He plays irritating Jazz music all day and burns incense. He has so much shit in his apartment. I think he's a hoarder too.He and Mrs. Kravitz would get a long famously.
He paid me 20 bucks to do his disabled wife's nails, but I never did them.Every time I went over there she was either sleeping or didn't want them done.Her loss.
He also drinks beer all day, and for fun he throws his cats over the balcony and into the pool.Yeah he's not so fun when he's drunk.
Finally theres Witchy poo.Or Elvira as some people like to call her.
She is short with long, flowing, purple, black hair. She wears these long moo moo type dresses, and kind of glides when she walks.
She lives right next door to Lisa and Ashley, and is a schizophrenic who's not taking her medication. The girls swear that she sleeps in the bath tub.All she does is chain smoke outside and yell at everyone. Things like kill all the black people, rape Angelina Jolie,repent, repent, repent.Yeah good times.
I held the phone up one night to her window just so Linda could hear her.She is a piece of work.
Her power was turned off three weeks ago, and she's been evicted. I feel kind of bad for her because there should be someone to advocate for her. The cops have been to her door a few times, but there's not much that they can do. She seems harmless, but it's a sad situation.I wonder how she is coping without power for so long, and why no one is helping her.
When I am outside people just chat me up, and I learn all kinds of interesting gossip about things.
Despite all of this, it is a nice complex and I feel much safer then ever before. It's entertaining to say the least.
Wanna come over and have a drink, hang out on my terrace, and watch the freaks roll by with me?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hollywood in 2037

I found these Pics in an old email.

Come on.... You know you feel like a beauty queen now.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Today on Ellen.......

Just kidding if I really could be a guest on Ellen. I would be thrilled.
Instead Tara has asked me some interview questions that she wants me to answer. Because I am oh so popular and all.

Here is the deal........

If you want me to interview you, leave a comment here. I will email you five questions. (I get to pick the questions.) Then you answer them on your blog and link back to me.

Tara asks......

1.If you could go back in time and change any major event that occurred in history, which one would you pick and why.
I can only pick one? Geese. Probably the assassination of JFK. I loved him. He was a great man.

2. What is your ideal Sunday afternoon?
My church of the ocean of course.

3. How many U.S states have you visited can you list them? Which did you like best?
Arizona, Washington, and Oregon. I like Oregon the best. I've had a lot of great times there.

4. If you could go on a date with one famous person who would it be, and what would the two of you do?
Angelina Jolie. Without a doubt, she is sexy as hell , and we would canoodle of course!

5.If there was a movie made of your life, what would the title be, and who would play you?
That's how I roll, cuz I am kick ass.

Haha do you like the title? I love Susan Sarandon so I would have to be played by her.
So there you have it. Thanx Tara!

If you want me to interview you please let me know.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

A meme, A meme

Thanks, to my girl Ky for tagging me I love me some meme's.

Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog , replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag - eight other un-tagged people I am tagging the following.... Gee..... Linda, and Lynn have already been tagged soooo. I will tag, Tonya, Merr, Tyffany, Teaberry, Gwendomama, Kris, and I just don't know. The pressure, the pressure.

1) What do you do for a living? liv-ing, -noun, def.the means of maintaining life; livelihood. Well currently I am a mom to four children. I also beat the pavement every day wearing different fashionable shoes, while looking for a job. OK not every day. I don't do it on the weekends.That's not what keeps me alive though. My children and my friends are what keeps me going. I heart all of them passionately.
2) What is your biggest fear? Losing either of my children, or my friends.
3) Do you nap a lot? No! I don't have time.
4) Who is the last person you hugged? Cameron and Lexie this morning, and a couple of wet sloppy kisses too for good measure.
5) What websites do you visit when you go online? Yahoo,Blogs.
6) What was the last item you bought? Soda.
7) You are on the Oregon Trail, how are things going? Am I on a horse? A 4-wheeler? In a car? That depends on who's with me, who's driving and if we have booze.
8) If you woke up tomorrow and were a boy, what is the first thing you would do and why? Whack off of course,to see what all the fuss is about.
9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? Yes, when I was 11 my hair was down to my ass, and I had it cut like Kristy Mc nichols. I loved her. Too bad it didn't look nearly as luscious as hers. (The hairdresser was drunk, and even bought me a wine cooler). I was 11 People!
10) What is your most embarrassing moment? Wow is that a loaded question? This one time at band camp......I was with my BFF Audra, we had had to much um OREGANO and I went into the men's restroom instead of the women's. When I came out the whole Roseville high school football team gave me a standing ovation. (I knew I'd be famous someday)
11) What was the last movie you watched? The Family Stone.
12) If you had a whole day to yourself with no work, commitments, or interruptions what would you do? Go to the beach, and stick my toes in the sand and gaze at the wonder that is my church.
13) Do you like scary movies? I so do.
14) What would you want your last meal to be? Lobster for sure for sure.
I didn't change or ad any questions of my own because I am a rebel like that.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Holy shit! What's in there?

So last night after a drink Uh hum, I mean a few I realized that something was definitely wrong with my garbage disposal. The spinney thing, a.k.a the blade, was no longer a spinning. I had put some lemons in there earlier. I like to grind them up because they make it smell better/ a.k.a eliminate odor. (This is according to one of my favorite movies). THE BANGER SISTERS.
So I removed the lemons, and I got a wooden spoon and tried to manually turn the blade. Nothing. So I got down underneath the sink and pushed the reset button. Still nothing. Fucking A I thought. It was late and I was drunk. I really didn't feel like putting my hand in there. God forbid I touched something gross and break a nail. So in true fashion I decided to be like SCARLET O'HARA and "Worry about it tomorrow".
When I woke up I remembered the whole spinney thing debacle.
I decided to Cowboy up and tackle it head on. I put my hand in there and discovered something soft and mushy. ( To quote my B.F.F AUDRA.... Horrifying! I thought at first that it might be a mouse. I WAS VERY, VERY, SCARED. ( In the past, I have had problems with mice and appliances). Let me tell you..... It was not pretty.
So I touched this slimy apparatus, grimacing the whole time. I am imagining a little mice body all mangled, and bloody, wondering if it was too early to call on my dyke neighbor. This would definitely be a job for her.In the end, I talked myself through it.
I pull and I pull, and I can feel it give a little bit. Then I start to think "Holy shit am I pulling on some part of the rubber casing ?". I am so grossed out, I am almost puking. Dry heaves, I tell you, dry heaves. Finally the culprit is revealed. I couldn't believe my eyes! Are you ready for this? Can you guess what it was?

Now to be fair neither Linda or Lynn know this story. Shocking I know. I will say that the person responsible...... His name starts with the letter Cameron. Any takers? Scroll down if you want to know.

Yes It was a sock. A black and white striped sock if you must know. One of Cameron's and one that I had been looking for. Can you believe it? You would have to know Cameron to appreciate this. Never in my wildest dreams did I anticipate a sock! If cameron had been my first child..... He would have been my last. He puts Dyllan to shame.