Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Margaritas..... It's always the answer

Important Women's Health Issue:
Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Margaritas.
Margaritas are the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Margaritas can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything. You will notice the benefits of Margaritas almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had.
Stop hiding and start living, with Margaritas.
Margaritas may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Margaritas.
However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may include: - Dizziness - Nausea - Vomiting - Incarceration - Erotic lustfulness - Loss of motor control - Loss of clothing - Loss of money - Loss of virginity - Table dancing - Headache - Dehydration - Dry mouth - And a desire to sing Karaoke. WARNINGS: The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you are whispering when you are not.The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
The consumption of Margaritas may cause you to think you can sing.
The consumption of Margaritas may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

My morning radio show and the controversy

I have listened to Rob, Arnie and Dawn in the mornings for a long time. I don't always agree with some of the things that they say, but usually I just yell at the radio when that happens. Most of the time it is over Arnie being a fat tool and sticking his big foot in it.
Dawn is my favorite even though she is obnoxious at times. It takes special talent to deal with Rob and Arnie day in and day out.
We could be twins as far as our laughs go. I have never heard someone laugh as much as I do. Well now I have. Thank you Dawn! She laughs constantly and especially at her self. A girl after my own heart.
So yesterday while going to work it was announced that there would be no Rob, Arnie and Dawn show. WTF? We were directed to their website.
Here is the link and the video.
Like I said Arnie can be a real tool. I didn't hear this certain broadcast, but if I had I would have been yelling at the radio.
I have never worried that Cameron likes to wear dresses, or a tutu with his swim trunks to daycare. He also likes to wear his sisters pink wedgie shoes, and flip flops. I am not concerned that this will make him gay.Even if I was straight it wouldn't be a concern. I paint his toenails black or silver when he asks me too. He's around the two biggest diva's all day long what do you expect?
A lot of the sponsors and advertisers are pulling out over Arnie and his big mouth. I'll let you read the post and form your own opinion. But I think he really put his foot in it, maybe for the last time. Because even though I like him.... He is a big fat tool.
"You really put your foot into it this time Chizom, you HOTDOG!" That's from the movie Grease. Also if you go on youtube there are tons of videos of Rob, Arnie, and Dawn.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Things I never had to do when I was married

Check the oil and water in a car.

Check the air in the tires and then put air in them.

Move heavy furniture.

Put together a bed alone.

Adjust the training wheels on a bike.

Take the training wheels off of a bike.

Pack sandwiches and an ice chest for a day at the lake. (I was never allowed to do it)

Load the car with an ice chest, four kids, and beach shit for a day at the lake.

Purchase a bicycle.

Hook up a v.c.r or d.v.d player.

Purchase car insurance.

Unclog and repair a vacuum

Repair barbie dolls and reattach their heads.

Start a B.B.Q.

Hang curtains

Hang pictures (I so hate doing them)

Remember the difference between a Phillips and a flat head screw driver.(So not interested).

Use tools out of the tool box.

Put together toys with various little parts.

Wrap presents. (Danny liked doing it OK, and I so didn't).

Cook/fry any type of meat.

Crack and prepare crab legs/whole crabs. (see above)

Die Easter eggs (hate it)

Apply sunscreen to various gaggle of children. (Danny is anal about this)

Drive to a party, B.B.Q. or celebration where alcohol is being served.

Light a pilot light.

Dumpster dive for treasures.

Recycle and take cans to the recycling center.

Things I have learned to do since I have become single.

Check the water and oil in a car. (OK, I had some help).

Move heavy furniture

Put together a bed alone. (I am whiz with a hammer)

Adjust the training wheels on a bike.

Take the training wheels off of a bike in frustration because you did a shitty adjusting job and were sick of dealing with it.(Encouraging/forcing your five year old daughter to learn to ride her bike without them)

Pack sandwiches and an ice chest for a day at the lake.

Load the car with an ice chest, four kids, and beach shit for a day at the lake.

Purchase car insurance.

Purchase a bicycle, and carry the box out trying to manipulate it into my trunk.

Hook up a d.v.d player. (I still cant get the v.c.r to work, Dyllan has to change the cords every time he is here)

Unclog and repair a vacuum.

Repair barbie dolls and reattach their heads.

Watch my friend Amy (Mr man hands) start a B.B.Q.

Hang curtains with the help of my neighbor and my mom.

Hang pictures.

Remember the difference between a Phillips and a flat head screw driver.

Use tools out of the tool box that Danny gave me.

Put together toys with various little parts.

Wrap presents. (I still don't like it, but if you wrap to music, it's not so bad).

Cook/fry any type of meat.

Crack and prepare crab legs/whole crabs. They were good too.

Make sure Danny has the kids the Eve before Easter so he can die the eggs with them. (Still Hate it).

Apply sunscreen to various gaggle of children especially Cameron.

Walk to Chevy's or the Glass turtle where alcohol is being served avoiding a D.U.I.

Ask Nickolai the maintenance man to come and light the pilot light.

Dumpster dive for treasures after your neighbor informs you that their roommate had died and they were throwing out all of her shit.

Recycle and take cans to recycling center.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Seen and heard two

Me..... "You can tell a lot about a woman by the type of underwear she wears".
My friend Ellen... "Man I have the holiest underwear on right now, they are just crap".
Me.. "Why? Why would you wear crap underwear? Don't you care"?
Ellen.... "Dude I'm in total disarray, I wouldn't even date me right now".
Me.... "You so need to fix yourself up, and why you're at it, why not paint those toe nails".
Ellen.... "I don't think I can reach them".
Lexie...... "Mama, what did you do tomorrow when I was at Daddies"?
My friend Amy.... "It's too bad that I'm not gay, because our kids get along so well. Men just don't get it".
Dyllan..... as we're listening to Katy perry..... "I kissed a girl and I liked it".
Me..... "Well I kissed a girl and I liked it a lot".
Dyllan.... "But mom, that's not what good girls do".
Me.... "Who ever said I was a good girl"?
I still can't believe some of the borderline inappropriate conversations that the two of us have.
Lynn.... "Pick yourself up, and dust your ass off Denise. Don't let that bitch intimidate you".
Me..... "Oh fuck off she does not intimidate me".
The exe's girlfriend while at a school meeting for Dyllan...... (Why she was there is beyond me). "Hi my name is Lisa, and you are"?
Lexie....... "Mama.... Daddy had to make a special trip home for Cameron's sun stuff".
Me..... "You mean sunblock"?
Lexie..... "Yeah that. He is the only white one we have. I am brown because I am older".
My friend Audra.... "Denise, your details seem a little sketchy. I don't think you're getting all the right information here. Please have Linda email me with whatever else you left out, I need to get the facts straight".
Me... Fine, but don't ask me to recall details about stuff when I was inebriated at the time".
Me.... "Linda, Audra said I'm sketchy, and she needs you to be more specific".
Linda.... "It sounds like you got most of the info right, I'll send her a picture".
Some random girl at the pool...... "Your son just pooped right here".
Me.... "Cameron, why did you poop? You need to poop on the potty".
Cameron..... "No my not".
Me.... "Holy shit Dyllan! Escort your brother out of here, while I clean this up. How embarrassing, we are so out of here".
Because that's what everyone wants to look at while they're kicking it poolside. A big ole tootsie roll turd.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Karma..... It is my religion

As much as having a standing membership at my church. The church of the ocean that is. I pull up a pew made of sand, kick my flip flops off and give thanks.
I thank whoever is in charge for my children, my friends. Oh, and for not having me run over by a car while on the phone with one of my friends. (Linda and I always joke about that).
Last year on my other blog I posted this. Go ahead and reminisce. I'll wait.
I've said it before. I am a huge believer in Karma. I live by it. I believe all of those sayings "Do unto others, Karma is everything, what goes around" etc. I Keep quotes that I like and always look for cool, inspirational fridge magnets.
Last year was a fucked up year. No doubt. But I made it through. This couldn't have been accomplished without the support of my friends and a couple of relatives.
This doesn't mean that I am comfortable excepting things from people. It doesn't matter if you are a member of my posse or not. It still makes my eye twitch.
This year I'm making progress. Slowly coming along. Recently I was given the opportunity to pay it forward.
FINALLY! Something I so firmly believe in.
As I mentioned before, I received my tax return.
Most of the money is stashed away for a car, fun trips, and toilet paper.
I was however able to spread some of my good fortune around and give back to some of the people who have been so good to me.
Yesterday I took my Aunt to lunch. She always drives me around to do errands or just job hunt. Most of the time she buys me lunch. So it was refreshing to be able to say "my treat". When she goes to the casino and hits it big, she always slips me $100.00 bills.
I also gave my neighbor Mrs. Kravitz fifty dollars. She has been very good to the kids and I. She took me to do my laundry and paid for it. That was one of the times that my mom went postal on me and I disowned her for the fifty billionth time. Not to mention that she has loaned me money on more then one occasion.She may not have tampons for me but she always has tin foil.(Gotta love that).Then there's the matter of giving me a bed. I'll be forever grateful to her for that.
Yesterday a homeless man on a bike asked me for a quarter to buy cigarettes. I told him that I coveted my quarters for laundry, but that I would gladly give him a dollar. He rode off with a smile on his face. That.... made my day.
Next week my friend Laurie is coming to town, and I am treating her to lunch. She took me out two weeks ago and declared it Denise day. She treated me to lunch and a shopping spree. We had a lot of fun even if she does need to learn some wheel chair etiquette. You would think that after all of these years of operating that thing she would be better at it. I have just learned to walk far behind her and pretend that I don't know her when she knocks into shit. So next week when she comes I am declaring it Laurie day!
If I didn't help out the people who have been so good to me, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night. Trust me that's already a big enough problem as it is.
I might even buy witchy poo (my neighbor) a pack of cigarettes. She goes door to door combing through everyones ash trays. Her long ,wild hair protruding everywhere. She makes me sad. I think that someone should intervene on her behalf, turn her electricity back on, and get her the help that she needs.
Maybe when I get a car I will take her to my church of the ocean, and she can sit on a pew of sand, and gaze out at it's vastness.
Because karma is everything baby!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Seen and heard

Lexie as she is crying.... "I have to wipe the water out of my eyes Mama".
Me to Cameron... "Cameron honey those shoes wont fit you".
Cameron..... "Yes my are".
My friend Amy after not seeing me for months..... "Dude! You are hella skinny. Look at your face".
Some random girl I went out with..... "You are a little too thick for me". Ok then see above bitch!
Lynn.... "Am I stupid Denise?"
Me to Linda.... "I swear my mom keeps buying Lexie yellow clothes, you know I hate yellow".
Linda...... "Your'e not the boss of yellow Denise, just because you don't like it".
Me.... Fuck off! "
Me to Mrs. Kravitz.... "This might be a stupid question cuz your'e old and all but do you have any tampons?"
Mrs Kravitz..... "No dear I sure don't and I don't know anyone around here who bleeds".
Me to Conner.... "So your'e ok that L has moved in?"
Conner..... Big grin on his face. "Yeah it's fine, but Mom! She girled up our bathroom!"
Anne my daycare provider to Cameron..... "Dude you are so not going to the dog groomers with me dressed like that". (He was wearing a shirt, his swim trunks, and Lexie's pink tutu.
Some random dude who happened to be at the Glass Turtle.
"Uh in like a beavis and Butthead voice..... "Hey I wan't some food".
Me.... "Well then you might want to go order some".
Random dude.... "Your'e not the cocktail waitress? Your'e hot enough".
Me after having lunch with the ex's new gf.....
"So who put and ad on Craigslist?"
The gf.... "He did, and I answered. I needed another fuck buddy'. All righty then.
The ex... "L is worried that we might get back together".
It was all I could do not to throw up in my mouth a whole lot.
Me.... "Oh right, cuz that will happen. Hello.... you have a dick and I dont like those".
The ex..... "Well not the real ones anyway". All righty then.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Head knocker

My mom taught the kids a little ditty. Yes I said Ditty. It goes something like this.
Head knocker
Eye Winker
Nose dropper
Mouth eater
Chin Chopper
And.... A gitchy, gitchy, goo.
As you do it you tap on the various parts of the body that you are talking about.
I love to hear Cameron say it because he rushes through it in order to get to the gitchy gitchy goo tickle part.
But when he says it....... It usually goes like this. Eye winker, eye winker, mouth eater, head knocker, and a gitchy gitch goo.
Gotta love that redheaded kid.