Seen and heard two

Me..... "You can tell a lot about a woman by the type of underwear she wears".
My friend Ellen... "Man I have the holiest underwear on right now, they are just crap".
Me.. "Why? Why would you wear crap underwear? Don't you care"?
Ellen.... "Dude I'm in total disarray, I wouldn't even date me right now".
Me.... "You so need to fix yourself up, and why you're at it, why not paint those toe nails".
Ellen.... "I don't think I can reach them".
Lexie...... "Mama, what did you do tomorrow when I was at Daddies"?
My friend Amy.... "It's too bad that I'm not gay, because our kids get along so well. Men just don't get it".
Dyllan..... as we're listening to Katy perry..... "I kissed a girl and I liked it".
Me..... "Well I kissed a girl and I liked it a lot".
Dyllan.... "But mom, that's not what good girls do".
Me.... "Who ever said I was a good girl"?
I still can't believe some of the borderline inappropriate conversations that the two of us have.
Lynn.... "Pick yourself up, and dust your ass off Denise. Don't let that bitch intimidate you".
Me..... "Oh fuck off she does not intimidate me".
The exe's girlfriend while at a school meeting for Dyllan...... (Why she was there is beyond me). "Hi my name is Lisa, and you are"?
Lexie....... "Mama.... Daddy had to make a special trip home for Cameron's sun stuff".
Me..... "You mean sunblock"?
Lexie..... "Yeah that. He is the only white one we have. I am brown because I am older".
My friend Audra.... "Denise, your details seem a little sketchy. I don't think you're getting all the right information here. Please have Linda email me with whatever else you left out, I need to get the facts straight".
Me... Fine, but don't ask me to recall details about stuff when I was inebriated at the time".
Me.... "Linda, Audra said I'm sketchy, and she needs you to be more specific".
Linda.... "It sounds like you got most of the info right, I'll send her a picture".
Some random girl at the pool...... "Your son just pooped right here".
Me.... "Cameron, why did you poop? You need to poop on the potty".
Cameron..... "No my not".
Me.... "Holy shit Dyllan! Escort your brother out of here, while I clean this up. How embarrassing, we are so out of here".
Because that's what everyone wants to look at while they're kicking it poolside. A big ole tootsie roll turd.